Wayland's Laws of Food Dynamics

Here's something a little closer to heart. In reality these should be titled "Laws of Wang", but I feel "Wang" is a bit too generic and carries too many connotations.



Law the First (Snacks Law):

The amount of snacking a diner does between meals is directly proportional to the quality of food to be served at the next meal. This ensures that the diner will be full by the time a very delicious meal is served and so cannot enjoy it to its fullest extent.


Law the Second (Eating Inertia):

Once a diner starts eating, he/she cannot stop eating lest he/she feels full. Hence, immediately after a serving of food, if a diner procures seconds then by the time he/she starts eating said seconds he/she will no longer feel hungry and therefore not be able to finish their food.


Law the Third (Hunger Variation):

Hunger is inversely proportional to quantity of food. A diner will always be hungry enough such that the amount of food available either is insufficient for satiation or much exceeding his/her limits. The point of inflection is derived by complex mathematical formula based on the diner's profile and a Universal Eating Constant (ζ) .


Law the Fourth (Inverse Eating Law, a.k.a. Food Karma):

The enjoyment level of any given meal is directly proportional to the acidity of that meal's remains when excreted, and hence is inversely proportional to the level of enjoyment of time spent in the toilet. An important consequence of this law is that the same meal when experienced differently by different diners or even at different times, will likely produce varying results.


Law the Fifth (Dessert Expansion):

There is always perceived to be room for dessert. However, the perception can be a gastric illusion such that the diner does not actually have room for dessert, and so will greatly regret having dessert, although this will not make the diner think that he/she does not actually have room for dessert at the subsequent meal.


Law the Sixth (All-you-can-eat Amnesia):

No matter how bloated and hence utterly crap a diner feels after a session at an All-you-can-eat restaurant, he/she will not remember how bad an experience it was. So, no matter how much painful death a diner wishes upon him-/herself following a meal, he/she will not hesitate to return to that restaurant and eat just as much as previously.


Law the Seventh (Fluctuating Flatulence):

No matter the food consumed, flatulence will always arise at the most inopportune moments, and the discreetness of this flatulence will be inversely proportional to the importance of the interrupted event.




That's all for now.