"lol"

I've always known that I use the abbreviation "lol" (for ANYONE who doesn't know what that means it stands for laugh out loud, and can I say welcome to the internet? Also, why are you reading my blog when there are so many other wonders to be discovered in the World Wide Web!) a lot in online conversations. Mostly it's a filler because I have different ways of expressing actual laughter (such as "LOL" or reiterations of "ha" or "HA" depending how how hilarious I find the particular comment/situation). This strange obsessive over-use of this contraction is unique, as I tend to stay away from other forms of contractions in such communications, and indeed you will rarely find me using such terms as "brb", "atm", "rofl" etc.

So I thought I'd outline some of the ways I use "lol". I also give examples, and try to phrase things in a realistic way, just so you feel a part of what I'm saying. Lol.

1. As a general acknoledgement e.g. Someone else: "ur tall" Me: "lol" Someone else "great i finally finished my essay" Me: "lol"
   
   
2. As a disclaimer that something is meant to be taken in a light-hearted manner or is slightly funny (even if expressed in an unfunny way or if the situation is not inherently funny) "lol i'm so angry i wanna shoot someone lol" "lol i just cut my finger off and now it's wriggling on the floor lol"
   
   
3. As a replacement for "of course" - Someone else: "did you hand in your assignment?" Me: "lol yeah"
   
   
4. To convey an uneasy laugh in response to a tragic/sad situation disclaimed with a lol (see Point 2) - Someone else: "lol i just broke my leg lol" Me: "lol..."
   
   
5. A way to respond without actually saying anything (related to Point 1) e.g. Someone else: "everyone thinks i'm dumb, but i'll show them! i'll show them ALL!!" Me: "lol"
   
   
6. A more subtle way of saying "that was meant to be a joke, laugh damn you!" (compared to the aforementioned phrase, or the use of "jk") "two horses walk into a bar and the bartender shoots both of them lol" "knock knock it's me lol" "three men are trying to get on a plane; one's Iraqi, one's North Korean and the third's Afghan, and they all get frisked lol"
   
   
7. To express regret in a less sombre manner e.g. Someone else: "hey do you wanna hang out?" Me: "nah, i'm already hanging out lol"
   
   
8. Express amusement, but not so much as to actually be making audible laughter (related to Point 1 and Point 5) - such as a bad joke, or after someone describes an unfunny situation disclaimed with "lol" and you feel socially obliged to respond with laughter
   
   
9. A hidden plea for company "lol i just wrote another blog entry, go have a look lol" (secretly meaning "No one reads my blog, please please PLEASE for the love of something holy go read it and leave loads of comments so I have some affirmation of my LIFE! Oh God why does no one love me!")

That's all I can think of for now.

Argh!

So much stuff to do! Running out of time! Motivation is really lacking! What am I to do...

Procrastination is a bitch. I know there's a mountain of work to do - intern applications, study for exams, work on the review article and get the ski trip going again - but it's so hard to do any of this...why? Short answer is TV, long answer is TV and internet, my current temptresses. If only procrastinating wasn't so easy, like if suddenly everything apart from essential things like email and medicine-related things were cut off. I don't know, it's so hard.

I'm barely staying coherent because I just feel like ranting, and also this puts of studying and writing things that actually matter (as opposed to this drivel - really). Oh man I'm such an idiot, there was so much time to do everything before but I wasted that time like the champion procrastinator that I am.

What to do what to do...

Memento: now THAT'S a twist!

M. Night Shyamalala...lan take note: this is a twist that has meaning, it has character - you have the feeling that it's coming, and then it's revealed and you're stunned. Well, I was anyway.

Masterful.

Wow!

Newsflash!
Zip! Zap!
...Zop?

New entry is now - what an event. This is, undoubtedly without hyperbole, the event of the millenium. So full of new, fresh ideas! Newfound fervour for this collection of ramblings (I would say literary masterpieces but I'm trying to stick to the hyperbole-free theme here). It may seem Philistine, facile, facetious, fabricated and so many other f-words (um...meaning none others have come to me in the manic pace that I've opted to write at)(prepositions are bad to end with?)...but ever full of flavour! Really I was just doing the f-thing for that last bit. I'm such a sucker for alliteration.

Anyway so what's brought on this rarest of rare updates? One that's taken me so long to write, when in fact I'd actually made many starts in the past year or so. And I know that that last statement made little sense but run with me here. With scissors. Ahem. Cymbals? No?

Nothing really, this is still part of the wider net of activities under the shotgun umbrella of categories called procrastination. And as usual it's sleep and the inevitable gamut of work that sleep will bring ever closer, how else but by bringing that blastingly bright ball of burning er...burnables (it's late...) into the blue beyond once again. Butane! Wait that's probably not right...undoubtedly this will lead me to a wikipedia entry on the gaseous components of the sun. Or maybe not, you never know. Life is full of surprises like that.

So yeah, that's me. How's about you?

Comeback!

I feel like resurrecting this blog. What for? I don't know, but in the stagnating, monotonous world of study I'm feeling a need for some measure of creativity. A teaspoon of brain-juice to help the medicine go down. Literally. Well actually, not literally. I'm not actually drinking medicine. And despite popular belief I do NOT drink brain-juice. Or consume any cephalous product in general.

So, this blog will act as a medium for me to once again subject the world to my musings, whether they be mundane or meaningful. There's no real direction at the moment, it's just going to be more of the "stream-of-consciousness" type ramblings that have always have (and probably always will) populate the blog.

To start the series (altough don't expect any continuity), I'll say that I've temporarily moved to a place that isn't Ivanhoe. I won't specify exactly where in case there are any stalkers out there, just sitting and waiting for a slip up so they can rattle the trees outside my window. Leave pleasantly creepy letters at my doorstep. Flaming bags of poo. And other, stalkerly things.

Anyway...at this new place there isn't a readily accessible train network! So I've been reduced to catching a bus! But actually I've come to appreciate that buses aren't the Devil's transit. Most of the time they're reliable, except there's no indication of when the bus will arrive, and there's no guarantee that the bus will stop. So ever vigilant one must be. Two missed buses later, that is the first thing I learnt. I'm quite shocked by the lack of buses during busy times. Whereas my old train used to run at least every 10 minutes during peak times, the bus seems to only come every 20 minutes or so. This makes for much frustrated waiting. ALSO I was waiting yesterday and the bus didn't stop because it was "too full"! That's 40 minutes of my life wasted, bus driver! AND, today they closed off part of the freeway and the bus trip took an extra 40 minutes! That's 80 minutes in 2 days of my life that I'll never get back. Imagine if I'd had that much extra time to sleep. Then I wouldn't have fallen asleep in half the lectures today. Well actually, that's a lie. I still would've fallen asleep. But I would've been happier. Isn't that what it's all about in the end? Happiness? Yeah...anyway. The second lesson I've learnt is know when and where to take a bus. The where is easy- I now know I should catch the bus at its source- in the CBD. The when...not so easy- how was I to know the freeway was closed until the bus didn't turn like it was supposed to?

You'd think that my first post after such a long break would be an interesting one. After all there's been such a long time for ideas to form, or interesting things to have happened.

But no.

Procrastination

Procrastination is a prevalent infectious disease affecting a significant proportion of young adults, especially those going through university. It causes the sufferer to delay important activities for less urgent activities that are deemed more enjoyable. It has a significant impact on the quality of life of those it affects and is currently one of the most common causes of exam and job failure.

Epidemiology: Males and females of all races are affected equally. The peak age of onset is 17-30, although it can affect people of all ages. The disease seems to be more prevalent in developed countries.

Aetiology: There are many infecting agents that lead to procrastination. Bacterial organisms include the blogging bug (Typobacterium blogospherus), brain rot (Idioboxus spp.), Youtubus spp. and the debilitating Faceboococcus procrastinarius. The only viral agent known is the highly infectious Wikivirus.

Pathogenesis: The pathogenesis of procrastination is largely unknown. However, it occurs mainly in the setting of workmunosuppression. That is, the causative organisms are opportunistic infections. Often, the workmunosuppression is a result of unrealistic thoughts regarding the amount of time left. Once infected, the individual feels a strong urge to stop doing work and embarks on a series of strange behaviours depending on the causative organism. Infections typically last for several hours, and infections can follow quickly after one another. It is not uncommon for affected individuals to have many concurrent infections. As the workmune system is not active during infections, the individual does not mount a response and therefore may be affected multiple times by the same strain.

Clinical features: Unwillingness to do work despite increased pressure to do so. Increased stress levels and anxiety. An inability to concentrate on work but a paradoxically increased ability to concentrate on non-work related activities is a classical feature and is nigh pathognomonic.

Investigations: The diagnosis is based on clinical findings, although confirmatory tests may be done. In many cases there is an increased level of clutter on imaging of the affected individual's study area.

Management: The only known cure for procrastination is completing the work that the affected individual was avoiding. There is no known cure during active infection although some make a spontaneous recovery. Specific measures may be taken to reduce the likelihood of coming into contact with infecting organisms, however this often fails as these organisms are almost ubiquitous and the will of an affected individual to avoid them is often weak. Medical treatments are mostly unsatisfactory, although a trial of parental or peer pressure QID maybe instigated. Surgical options include internet severance and amputation of the television antenna.

Haha

I wonder if anyone still reads this thing. Leave a comment if you do!

It's been a while coming...

It's official, I am no longer shackled by the shackling shackles of the soul-draining establishment known as Subway, but also known as the previously unmentioned 10th Circle of Hell. Maybe I exaggerated...just a little, teensy-weensy minutely small bit. Well okay maybe it was way exaggerated, because unsurprisingly Subway has been relatively good to me! I mean, I'm a HUGE fan of free food, and Subway has been a source of mirth from time to time. Yes, let's all have a laugh at those customers who just make you want to punch them out, or the ones who just say the most ridiculous things! Let the good times ROLL. As in, bread roll. You know, like a sandwich oh nevermind...

Anyway this is actually a bit of a delayed post. I actually quit about a month ago, and today is the first Saturday in I can't even remember how long that I am completely free! I'm getting a nostalgic moment here, being reminded of a post I made early on in this blog's life as a My life as a Wayland.

So long story short (well there wasn't really a story to begin with, but a good cliche is a good cliche) no more Tales from Subway will be found on this blog any more.

Random late night post

I watched Donnie Darko today, and it's a brilliant film. So I decided to make a short list of really good movies that are really, really strange. As in somewhat difficult to follow (at times), and all in all quite surreal.

In no particular order:

Donnie Darko

Wow. This movie was good. Also the whole delusions thing was just way out there...very trippy indeed. And add into that all the stuff about time-travelling? Woah I felt like my mind was being put through a mental wringer.


Being John Malkovich

This one just felt so weird. The whole mood and premise of the movie was so strange, yet incredibly engrossing. Also one of the funniest scenes ever when Malkovich goes inside his own head. Also very disturbing...


12 Monkeys

Was it a dream or was it for real? That's what really defines surrealism in movies I guess, and with this one you're really kept guessing until the end. Also, I feel that Terry Gilliam is somewhat of a master of the weird (just look at all those Monty Python animations! Talk about strange...)


Fight Club

I'd be repeating much of the stuff I said about the other movies, so yeah this is a great movie!


Apocalypse Now

I don't know, maybe it's because I watched the extended version, but this movie was so deliciously strange. Marlon Brando is brilliant as always and the scenes at the end are just...hypnotic.


A Clockword Orange

Kubrick is a genius and this movie was a stand-out for me. Also it's really weird. The whole milk thing also. Someone must've been smoking something strange while writing this one.



There're lots more out there that I haven't mentioned due to laziness and/or amnesia. What? Also it's late and Wayland no function sleep without! I would've gone into more detail about the movies but I fear spoiling them and also, once again laziness/sleep deprivation (recall: NOT depravation) prevails.

Shampoo

Shampoo /SHAM-poo or sham-POO/ v. & n.

A viscous liquid noted for its powerful cleansing properties or the act of cleaning with such an agent. Not to be confused with shame poo, which is the state of being humiliatingly smeared with excrement.

Shampoo was first discovered on the banks of the Amazon. It was often noted by Spanish explorers that natives who lived close to the Amazon had luxuriously clean and healthy hair, much unlike their own frazzled hair. The secret to these glorious locks was a closely kept secret, however, and when the Conquistadors left with their piles of treasure and potatoes, they could not help but wonder what it was that kept the natives' hair so beautiful. Much later, the fall of the major civilisations of South America caused many of the native secrets to be offered as protection against annihilation (an unkept promise). It was revealed that a rare Amazonian salamander was the source of the hair reinvigoration. The salamander ate a unique blend of insects and various small plants, which were blended in its digestive tract and excreted as a very powerful cleanser that was gentle enough to be used on hair.

The odour of the salamander excrement was not appealing to the European market, however, and the discovery lay as waste (pun fully intended) on the piles of treasures. About half a century later, chemists extracted the key ingredient of the salamander excrement, and were therefore able to eliminate the foul smell yet keep the desirable cleansing qualities. These scientists were also clever enough to think of enhancing the extracts with pleasant odours, such as various fruits and flowers. They called this product "shampoo", or literally "fake faeces". However, the price of extraction and general poor access to fresh water meant that the market for "shampoo" was limited to a very small group of the extremely rich.

After the Industrial Revolution, the availability of shampoo expanded very rapidly and its cost was also dramatically decreased. Numerous companies started investing in shampoo, although none of the original companies survive today. The reason for this was that the early companies were too direct about the origins of their product. Bearing product labels such as "Stunning Stool", "Fabulous Faeces", "Dangerously Dung", "Definitely Faecal" and "The Good Shit", these companies soon went bankrupt when they found that they had very poor market penetration. It wasn't until the invention of advertising and drastic name changes that shampoo products gained its much needed exposure.

Gelati

AUTHOR'S NOTE: This was undertaken as part of a challenge. Of sorts. You see, my lack of creativity led me to ask my friends for a random topic to blog about, and this is the first thing that they came up with. So...randomness ensues.



Gelati /jel-at-I or juh-LAH-tee / n.

The state of being covered in a translucent, viscous and slightly adhesive liquid, or more broadly, this substance (often in semi-solid form). The goo may be coloured or flavoured. The etymology of this word is confused. While most sources claim that the term comes from the plural form of the Italian word for ice cream: gelato/gelati, which is a conveniently plausible explanation. The truth is much darker, however, and the history of gelati as we know it is outlined below.

Gelati was first invented by the Japanese during the Second World War, where they employed it to great success in distracting American naval scouts prior to the infamous Pearl Harbour bombings. This is the source of the name gelati. American sailors were overheard by fishermen to be exclaiming "There's goo on me! There's goo on me! It's delicious goo!". After this was translated into the local tongue and back into English, the phrase became "Gel at I! Gel at I! Gel digest superb!". After the defeat of the Japanese, the soon to be defunct League of Nations seized Japan's military equipment, amongst which was the formula for creating gelati. They then distributed some of it as aid to the countries affected, one of whom being Korea.

Like many wartime inventions, gelati was found to have an application during peacetime; as a dessert. The Koreans decided to distribute what they saw as a potential rival to the then currently popular ice cream. Although not initially accepted due to its notoriety, gelati quickly became an international craze, culminating in the Korean war over a dispute about who had rights to the royalties generated by this phenomenon. Soon after the war, the United Nations once again seized gelati to prevent further conflict. After much protest from dessert vendors and consumers, the UN decided to re-release gelati. However, they mandated that no country could claim ownership of the popular dessert and set strict guidelines on its distribution.

For whatever reason, whether out of fear of warfaring countries using gelati as a weapon or to disguise one of the more embarrassing events of American naval history, the UN decided to erase the history of gelati and replaced it with the much more familiar Italian origin as is the current consensus. An agreement of the post-Mussolini government with the UN was to accept the responsibility of claiming the invention of the dessert (which was conveniently dated back to Emperor Nero of Rome), and thereafter its perfection.



--Inspired by Uncylcopedia: http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Main_Page

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Suggestions for future topics are welcome, and I'll try my best (but some topics are easier to write about than others so don't be offended if I reject ideas).

I don't know my A-B-C's, back at school's where I should be

Two minor annoyances equal enough material to fill out a blog, and I feel there's been a sufficient temporal gap since the last entry.

Firstly, definite. Definitive. Definitely. Let's not get too carried away with the whole "definate" thing. What is that anyway? Defiant? Defiantly definite?

Lastly, deprivation. Not depravation. Two very different things you see. One comes from deprived, the other depraved. One means lack of something. The other means lack of principle, so I can see where the confusion arose. If you're deprived of depravity I'd say that it's probably a good thing. But if your depravity is being deprived...you need to get out more. Or see a shrink. Or both.

On an unrelated note AMS is the same as it was before, and there's not much to report. Although, the end of AMS looms like the sword of Damacles...[insert dropping of stiletto (the knife, not the shoe) into rubber ducky]. Didn't get that? Think about what I always make references to.

Fin?

Subway or the Highway

AUTHOR'S NOTE: This was written after a long day and it was written in the wee hours of the morning. So er, please forgive and incoherence or non-flowing narrative. I don't know why I chose to write in this particular way...oh well call me nuts but what can you do? When life gives you lemons...squirt it back into life's eye. Because life's a bitch for doing that.


Herein lies a tale of retribution most horrid, denunciation most unjust, imprecation most vile and manner most improper.

Let me set the scene: it is a blistering Saturday afternoon and in the sweltering heat an unsuspecting Sandwich Artist kindly offers to help an irate-seeming customer fuming at the counter. The gentle susurration of the other restaurant patrons as they dither are a stark contrast to the berating that the protagonist of our story is about to receive. The angry man seems out of sorts to our hero; he would not have been surprised to learn that the man was in fact quite besotted.

So, our protagonist politely inquires what can be done to help the man, to which the man replies that he received a cold sandwich the previous day. The twist was that he wanted and indeed demanded a sandwich that was warm, or even a temperature bordering the uncomfortable. Having no authority to act upon this infringement on desire, the Sandwich Artist offers to inform a higher power, which would at some future time contact the man and rectify the situation. The man agrees to the terms, but is blatant in his display of discontent. The man accusingly states that our protagonist is merely avoiding the issue, and his vulgar attitude and obvious contempt make it all too clear to our hero that the man in front of him was not ready to reach any sort of compromise.

The pure hatred drips from the man's tongue, and he launches verbal attack after verbal attack on our hapless hero. Threats of unemployment are thrown in the direction of our protagonist even though it was not this particular crafter of sandwiches who served this man. Feeling unfairly victimised, yet unwilling to be impolite to an irate customer, however irritating he was, the Sandwich Artist tries to ignore the ignobility. After a tirade, a veritable diatribe on the invirtues of his situation, the man is finally ready to write down his details so that he may discuss further the situation with someone who could actually act on the matter.

In a brief absence of sensibility, a napkin is offered for the recording of telephone numbers and names (of both the sur and given varieties). Unable to inscribe inebriated, the irate man flings the napkin in the face of the Sandwich Artist. Shocked and infuriated, the Sandwich Artist barely manages to restrain himself long enough to offer paper from the front of the counter. The irate man is also visibly restraining himself, as evidenced by the force with which he proceeds to write; almost breaking the pen in the process.

Finally, as the man leaves as discourteously as he arrived, he utters one last expletive. Something too crude to be reproduced here verbatim, but a literal Latin translation could be futuo capitis.

Had the store been devoid of other customers, the outcome of this saga may have been very different.

Random? Or tandem...

I've been accused of being really random in my posts, and it's probably true. When I'm bored (such as now) and I feel like typing up some things I use my blog as an outlet. For my creative juices. And I'm not talking about the stuff that comes out of my mouth when I'm near food.

But where does this randomness come from? What is its source? What is the Lake Victoria to is Nile? Um...what is the yellow Sun its Kryptonian heritage (i.e. Superman)? Okay I'm out of analogies now...

I'm sure the real-life me is not as random as the blogging me so I propose to you that my keyboard acts as some kind of conduit. A channel for my thoughts to flow through. The catalyst to my explosion of eclectic electronic emesis, which not only draws the best, but also the worst in some seemingly unpredictable and (hap)hazardous way.

I've also noticed a recent lack of Simpsons references; possibly because I haven't been watching it much lately. So for Old Time's Japanese rice wine, here's a quote: "Can you hold the wheel for a moment? I need to scratch myself in two places at once."

A final word, because I LOVE getting the last word in. Minor annoyance: refrigerator. RefriGerator. NOT refriDGerator. Refer to "frigid", meaning cold. From the Latin root frigus, meaning "cold". The contraction "fridge" is spelt with the DG, but not the original.

That is all.