Action movies 101

Here I've compiled a list of axioms that seem to perpetuate every action movie I see. At least the older ones. Some are universally well known, so you may have seen/already know many of these points. Well, here goes.

• An infinite number of peripheral "bad-guys" or henchmen of the antagonist (even if their malevolence is perceived) will always have an accuracy of zero when shooting a hero character.
  Examples: many, many older action movies (you'd think Rambo could take down an army of any size with his uncanny ability to make people miss); also Star Wars (how many Storm Troopers does it take to shoot down Luke Skywalker? None- it's a trick question, Luke Skywalker can not be harmed by any sort of ranged weapon regardless of shooter distance or number).
  
• The primary antagonist will have an shooting accuracy of 100% when aiming at the hero's non-vital organs or associates of the hero (partners, family, friends etc.).
  Examples: think of any movie where the hero goes through a teary yet still manly scene cradling his best buddy's head in his lap, while saying something like "[Sob] It's going to be alright Joe, you won't die, your wife and kids are at home waiting for you to bring home the bacon!" and then watch said best friend breath his last gasps of air. Then there is the obligatory prolonged "Noooooo..." and the vengeful glint in his eye.
  
• If the hero is injured by the villain, the hero will always heal no matter how inconceivably beyond-repair they may be UNLESS the only way to defeat the villain is through the death of the hero OR the hero will be well for just enough time in order to overcome the villain.
  Examples: the Terminator movies, although that's slightly different because he's a robot.
• The antagonist will have a seemingly inexhaustible supply of ammunition while shooting at the hero UNTIL the hero is at point blank range and defenceless, at which point the antagonist will suddenly have no bullets. The reverse is true (i.e. hero is out of bullets when on the brink of victory) if the plot is not yet fully realised, or if there is going to be a sequel.
  Examples: think of any movie where the villain says something like "Got you" and pulls the trigger, only to have that dreaded "click" echo throughout the room (even if they're out in the open).
• When fighting an elusive enemy, the hero will almost always never defeat his/her foe unless he/she utters a one-liner.
  Examples: The Matrix (Trinity and Agent Smith in the famous rooftop scene "Dodge this"); Jaws (Brodie when shooting at the shark "Smile, you son of a bitch"); heaps of others.
  
• A hero will always be able to defeat an unlimited number of minor foes even when outmatched in terms of technology, ammunition, training or any other conceivable factor.
  Examples: any Rambo movie, most older action movies, many martial arts movies
  
• When a hero is captured, he/she will not be executed immediately. Instead, gloating (invariably in the form of a monologue and incidentally revealing all of the antagonist's plans and goals) will ensue for enough time so as to allow the hero to make an escape or for his/her allies to come to the rescue.
  Examples: any James Bond (the old "Ah I've got you in my grasp now Mr. Bond, but instead of killing you like a smart villain should, I will torture you like the EVIL GENIUS that I am. Then I will reveal to you all my plans and go into excuciating detail so that every flaw is made blatant to you and you can then thwart me."); many others that are too numerous to name.
  
• No matter how powerful the foe seems when crushing other “good” characters, its strength will always be reduced to the hero’s level when facing said hero.
  Examples: any movie where aliens are being repelled, or one man is taking on an organisation
  
• The enemy will never think to engage the hero whilst said hero is in training.
  Examples: any martial arts movie where the villain beats the hero the first time round, but doesn't finish the job; many action movies as well.
  
• A hero will always be running from a giant and dramatic explosion when said hero has just exposed any amount of flammable material to any igniting agent.
  Examples: do I really need to give any here? Any Arnie, Stallone, even Van Damme movie; Predator (one wristwatch sized bomb on contains enough explosives to clear a forest and then some).
  
• Villains are invariably arrogant, and this is very often their downfall.
  Examples: The Hunt for Red October (even quoted "You arrogant ass, you've killed US!"); James Bond films once again (along with the gloating for insane amounts of time)
  
• In any given fight, the hero will always seem more severely damaged, physically, yet will undoubtedly pull through (often miraculously) and save the day.
  Examples: come on now, I mean really, when HAVEN'T we seen this?
  
• Villains will always assume that the hero is dead, and will never bother to check that this is indeed the case.
  Examples: heaps here as well, it's the "Hm, you look like you may die within the next day or so left EXACTLY as you are. I will just assume that none of your friends will come to your aid" syndrome.

That's all I can think of, or can be bothered with. Plus it's kind of late now so I'll just leave it here.

Quotable quotes (not really)

Collected from my time at Subway. This list is not exhaustive; it's just what I can remember right now. I will undoubtedly add more in the future.

Customer: "Does the steak have any chicken in it?"
Me: "No mate, it's steak. You know, beef? Moo?"

Customer: "What's in your chicken strips?"
Me: "It's actually rhinoceros, we just call it chicken to throw people off"

Customer: "Can I have the new superlaki [meaning souvlaki] sub?"
Me: "Sure, what super-bread would you like that in?"

Customer: "I'll have all the salads thanks, except the Filipinos [meaning jalapenos]."
Me: "Okay, what about the Samoans and the Fijians?"

Customer: "Is there any meat in your veggie patties?"
Me: "Yes, it's really just one giant slab of beef"

Customer: "Oh, I'll have the lean chicken thanks; I'm trying to watch my weight. Oh, could I have extra cheese please?"

[After close]
Customer: "Are you closed?"
Me: "No, our lights are off and I'm locking the door because we're just opening."

[Some customers have just climbed over a barrier on the side of the shop]
Me: "We have a front door you know."
Customer: "Oh, we didn't see it...oops."

Oh the injustice!

WARNING: The following is another radio music related post. It will undoubtedly contain many slanderous remarks towards what the author considers "crap music" and please note that these are not his opinion, they are FACT! If you disagree with the author you may argue, but you will only be smacked down by his righteous fury, his vendetta against self-important asses who think they are rock gods when they are nothing more than rock amoebae, if that. It is the author's intention to cause offence to some parties, and any self-harm inflicted as a result of wrathful outbursts initiated by the contents of this post (such as banging one's head against blunt objects) should be attributed to one's own stupidity- and not the author's comments. You have been warned.

POST-WARNING: Just kidding, but you should still be warned.

I was randomly browsing the radio channels the other day on the way to work (it's still Subway, and if you thought I was no longer working there...it's a bit of a long story, and not the focus of this post) and I heard some murmurings of a Battle of the Bands, of sorts (it's actually some "Music Legend" thing), on Triple M. Intrigued, I came home to look up this ever entertaining event, expecting some sort of satisfaction that some of my favourite bands would have soundly beaten some lesser, albeit often equally popular, bands. To my dismay...the truth was far from what I imagined.

Not having listened to much radio recently, I looked up the battle grid on the internet (http://www.mmmelb.com.au/promo/smackdown/battlegrid.pdf). What I found was most disturbing. For some incomprehensible reason, the draw was TOTALLY BULLSHIT.

Okay, if they did it out of a hat fine. But this draw did not look random. It looked like the work of some maniacal monkey with a penchant for eating kittens.

Here are some examples (taken from the first round) of what I'm talking about:

• Pearl Jam vs. Bob Marley
• Led Zeppelin vs. Eric Clapton
• AC/DC vs. The Beatles
• Pink Floyd vs. Nirvana

This is severely reducing their talent pool and therefore the validity of this contest. How could they pit such greats against each other? Each of these musicians have contributed something great to the world of music (AC/DC may be arguable...but they were still a good band). I mean COME ON! Even if these draws came up at random, at least do it again or make some changes. It's not as if anyone's auditing the draw process like in the tennis or the soccer, but even in those competitions there are guidelines so all the best players/teams don't end up in the same half of the draw. This will ensure at least some decent contests all throughout the competition.

There's also the problem of exposure. While the classics from greats such as Led Zeppelin, Eric Clapton, Queen etc. don't get much time on the air because of their age, the new poppy bands (such as Greenday and the oh so despicable Nickelback- no offence to the retards who like them- just kidding, you guys are okay, just your taste in music...please redeem yourselves by listening to something decent) get lots of time on the radio because they have new material out or they're doing a tour in Australia or something like that. So, many of the listeners who vote in these battles haven't heard enough material by all the bands in question, leading to bias or just plain old ignorance (example said by a workmate: "Who's Pink Floyd?", "Money- isn't that an ABBA song?").

There are also some glaring omissions. Where are the other greats such as Jimi Hendrix and Van Halen? I'll admit perhaps Jeff Beck, Jeff Buckley, The Smiths and The Flaming Lips are a bit alternative for the Triple M of now, but if they wanted popular, what about Foo Fighters or The Killers?

Eh, I wanted to say more, but I've had enough of typing for now. Also, I've lost my ranting energy; this post is long enough as it is.

Check it out

If you look to your right, you will see a new feature on my blog (if you haven't noticed it already). Yes, that's right, I have displayed what music I've listened to for the past week and overall! Okay, you may not be very impressed...but in the words of Big Kev "I'm excited!"

Anyway, this was just a little break from the reading and the memorising and the study urgh.

I guess the only criticism I have of the lists I have put up is that they aren't really a full representation of what I listen to (obviously, since the limit is 10 artists). Many of my favourite artists aren't on that list. Oh well, it's still a good list. I think it will be updated weekly, that is along with the lists on the original website.

Wayland out.